The Toughest Battle
by RadcliffePotter
Summary: Captain Archer meets his match in an unlikely adversary from the 21st century. This is a comedy story! AU. This is my first attempt at Enterprise comedy. Please read and review! Now updated - including T'Pol, Reed, Phlox, and PORTHOS!
1. The Toughest Battle

**The Toughest Battle**

**By RadcliffePotter**

**For permission to reproduce, please contact mtownley at eden dot rutgers dot edu Archer finally meets his match in a very unlikely enemy from the 21****st**** century. This is a comedy story! ;) Please read and review!**

"C'mon Cap'n, you can do it!" Trip yelled, his Southern twang more pronounced in his anxiety. "Just a little longer and you'll be through it!"

Captain Johnathan Archer was at his wits' end. He had fought all kinds of things – aggressive Andorians, seductive alien slaves, mutagenic viruses – but none of them was a match for this. His tendons were burning, both his arms ached, and his brain could barely process all that was going by in front of him.

Malcolm stood nearby, shaking his head at the sight before him. He still couldn't believe how that thing had gotten here in the first place. It had started a few days ago when the maintenance staff had been cleaning out a utility closet on C Deck that wasn't used very regularly.

And amid the buckets, cleaning fluid, rags, and sweepers, they had found this. What it was doing in there or even how it had gotten there to begin with was still a complete mystery. The bewildered cleaning staff had brought it to Captain Archer and that was when all the trouble had begun.

After that, people were late to shifts, meals, and meetings. Numerous crew members came to Phlox with complaints of finger, arm, and wrist pain as well as headaches and nausea. This thing had become a full blown epidemic – and now Archer was in on it too. Malcolm sighed and returned his sights to the present as a cheer when up from those gathered around Archer.

It seemed that the battle had been won. People were crowding around, patting Archer on the back, shouting encouragements. "I can't believe you did it Cap'n. That was one helluva run!" Trip yelled with a smile while he clapped his best friend on the back.

Archer smiled and looked supremely satisfied. He had beaten "Through the Fire and Flames" on Easy mode. He set the plastic guitar down and turned away from the game. He yelled, "Who wants to play Guitar Hero next?"

**So, whatcha think? Just click that funky button down below and drop me a comment if you please! ;)**


	2. T'Pol Learns About Tradition

**T'Pol Learns About Traditions**

**By RadcliffePotter**

**For permission to reproduce, please email mtownley at eden dot rutgers dot edu Originally, this story The Toughest Battle started as a one shot comedy story, but now I think I'm going to add more one-shots to it, where a member from the crew has an experience with something they've never seen from the 21****st**** century. So, this is T'Pol's experience…;)**

T'Pol looked down at the green jiggling mass in her hand. Surely this was a joke. She glanced back up from the amorphous gooze in her well manicured hand to see Trip gleefully extract another greenish yellow blob. "Got it!" he yelled and held up the wiggling mass for the approval of Captain Archer and Travis who were also present in the room. Archer grinned boyishly, his eyes twinkling and Travis let out a snort of laughter.

"Look at that size of that one!" marveled Archer as he too reached in for another extraction. T'Pol could see a look of concentration settled on his usually contented face.

"Careful, sir," said Travis, anxiously twisting his hands and staring fixedly at the object in the middle of the table.

Archer breathed a small sigh as he apparently lost his latest extraction. T'Pol again looked down at the green, wiggling blob in her hand. It smelled slightly moldy and was vaguely sticky, clinging to her hand when she least expected it. The feeling made her stomach roil.

How had she gotten into this situation? It had been simple really. She had overhead the senior staff talking about it after their latest staff briefing and had been intrigued. Trip had said that it was a "long standing tradition", something that they always did on his birthday. And since T'Pol was always looking for more insight into humans and their behaviors, she was more than willing to take part in such an event, whatever it might be. That had been her mistake.

Archer was still carefully searching for the extraction he had lost before. With a cry of triumph, he pulled another green gelatinous mass free. There was a cry of surprise from all three men as Archer had apparently made a bad choice in his extraction.

T'Pol felt something small, pink, and squishy hit her squarely between the eyes. She looked down to her lap to see a tiny brain sitting on her left thigh. Gagging and fighting back bile at this most disgusting of traditions, she fled the room.

By this point, all three men were laughing so hard that they were practically wheezing. "Direct hit, sir!" Travis managed to laugh out between fits of giggling.

"You always did have a way with women, Jon!" Trip said before overcome with a fit of raucous laughter. Archer was laughing so hard that he was unable to speak. Tears streamed down 

his face as he gasped for breath. He managed to squeak out, "The look on her face was priceless!"

The group collapsed once again into fits of laughter. Trip, clutching his sides, grinned and said, "I guess she doesn't like Gooey Louie!"

**So, did you like it? I was just thinking about that game the other day and I was thinking about how bizarre it would be for someone who wasn't familiar with human games to see much a thing. And then I thought of T'Pol and was laughing to myself and I knew I had to write this. ;) Ladyhawke Legend, Begoogled, startraveller776, LadyRainbow, and Emiliana Keladry: thanks for reviewing last time and look for more to come soon! Please read and review, just push that awesome little button down there and drop me a line.**


	3. Malcolm Jumps to Conclusions

**Malcolm Jumps to Conclusions…**

**By RadcliffePotter**

**Okay, part three in "The Toughest Battle" one-shot series. Malcolm gets over confident with something and has unexpected results. ;) Begoogled, volley, and Ladyhawke Legend, thanks for reviewing the last chapter and look for more to come soon! ;)**

Malcolm limped into sickbay, supported by Travis. As the doors had swished open, heralding their arrival, Phlox came hurrying over to the pair. Looking Malcolm up and down, and briefly sizing up his injury, he gave Travis a quick glance just to be sure that he was uninjured. Phlox bustled Malcolm over to a biobed where he sat, looking as sheepish and embarrassed as a boy caught looking into the ladies' bathroom.

Phlox ran a hand scanner over Malcolm's leg, which seemed to be the spot of worry, to find a severely twisted ankle. Travis hovered nearby, looking anxious. "Well, Mr. Reed, it seems that you've twisted your ankle rather badly."

Reed gave Phlox a look which plainly said that was the understatement of the century and gave a strained answer. "That was the same conclusion I had come to as well, Doctor."

"Hmmm…well, for now I'll give you a higher dose than normal of analgesic since you seem to be experiencing a fair amount of pain and then I'll wrap your ankle. Now, I expect full weight off that leg for at least a few days. Which means you can spend some quality time in your quarters catching up on the latest safety protocols."

Reed groaned out loud at the thought of being forced not only off duty for several days but also of being confined to bed. Hearing his groan Phlox said, "Either that or you can spend some time here with me. I'm sure you are well acquainted with how comfortable my biobeds are."

Malcolm blew out a breath of air, looking annoyed, but said nothing. Better time in his own quarters than here with Phlox. With his luck, Phlox would tell him – again – about the mating cycle of his Pyrithian Bat. Seeing no battle forth coming from Malcolm, Phlox bustled around collecting things he needed to treat Malcolm.

Looking completely and utterly embarrassed with the situation at hand, Lieutenant Reed dejectedly put his head in his hands. Travis could hear Malcolm mutter, "Of all the stupid, idiotic things…"

Travis couldn't help but smile, just a little, at the situation at hand. Lieutenant Reed was usually a very serious man, the very example of what a rigid, upstanding Englishman should be. He was serious, devoted to his job, rarely took time for anything but his job, and above all, he would never fool about while on duty. Amusement and tomfoolery did not belong with duty, 

that's just how it was. So for Malcolm to even come close to doing something as free spirited as he had was unheard of. Travis could only imagine that Reed found the situation a thousand times worse now that there was proof of his doings in the form of a badly twisted ankle.

Earlier that day, Travis had entered the weight room bearing a most unusual contraption. Reed, who had been just planning on leaving after finishing his work out, was startled to see Travis come in and was even more startled by what the Helmsman had in his hands. "What on Earth is that?"

"It's a –," Travis began, only to be cut off by a wave of Reed's hand impatiently, "Yes, I know WHAT it is, but where ever did you find it?"

"It's mine," said the Helmsman, beaming down at the shiny, long, thin object in his hands. "I never leave home without it. My brother gave it to me, a few years back, and I couldn't think of leaving it home. But you know, every now and again I like to use it."

Reed knew what it was that Travis was holding, but he had never used one before personally. He looked hesitantly at Travis and his pride and joy and said, "How do you – how do you use it?"

"You've never used one before?" Travis said, disbelief written all over his features. Malcolm shook his head stiffly.

"Oh, come on!" The Helmsman said, grabbing Reed's upper arm and steering him into the open floor in the middle of the gym. "It's easy! You just jump on it like this…" Malcolm watched his companion bound about and said rather over confidently, "Can't be that hard…" He had attempted it after Travis and seconds later had careened out of control and found himself sprawled on the floor with a severely twisted ankle underneath him.

Malcolm snorted aloud as he too reflected on the event that had happened, "Easy, my ass," he mumbled. His ankle was throbbing and Travis was still hovering.

"Travis!" he yelled looking annoyed as the Helsman glided still closer, "I'm fine."

Travis looked apprehensive and said, "Alright, if you're sure…I'd better go get it, you know, before anyone sees it."

Malcolm clearly hadn't thought of that. His eyes bulged and he said urgently, "Yes, go! Hurry!" And Travis was out the door in a flash. Phlox seemed to materialize by Reed's side with the promised hypospray of analgesic and said, "Now how exactly did you say you hurt your ankle?"

"I didn't," said Reed tersely. He lay down so Phlox could bandage his ankle more easily and flung his arm over his face in shame. As Phlox busied himself about his work bandaging the 

Lieutenant's injured ankle, Phlox would have sworn he heard him say, "That's the last time I EVER get on a pogo stick!"

**So, whatcha think? Just click that tiny little button down there and leave me a review. Virtual flying ponies for everyone who does! ;) **

**Oh, also, to my surprise, there seemed to be a fair bit of confusion about what exactly Gooey Louie was. Basically, Gooey Louie is a giant head with a big nose. The object of the game is to pull snots (the "gooeys") out of Louie's nose. Should you pick "the wrong" snot, Louie's head flies open and his brain pops out. Technically, the brain hitting T'Pol in the head is inaccurate, since it's attached to Louie, but I couldn't resist. Here's a picture for those of you curious souls. Follow this link: ****ecx./images/I/51GH60BCWTL.SL500AA280.jpg**

**Finally, there were one or two people, even more to my surprise, who didn't know what Guitar Hero was, so for you folks, here's a link to an explanation and pictures of Guitar Hero: ****en./wiki/Guitarhero**


	4. The Sound of Something New

**The Sound of Something New**

**By: RadcliffePotter**

**Another one-shot in "The Toughest Battle" series. This time it's Phlox's turn. ;) Please read and review. For permission to reproduce please email mtownley at eden dot rutgers dot edu I make no money off of this and all characters are the property of their respective owners – and hence not mine. ;) I only borrow them and return them **_**mostly**_** intact. grins**

As usual, he was hungry. Really not surprising. The middle of the night was the perfect time to get a snack. And since he hibernated only once a year, the nighttime always gave Phlox plenty of time to accomplish everything he needed to. Feeding his menagerie, clipping his large, thick, and quick growing toenails, stocking up on medical supplies, writing his next correspondence to Doctor Lucas, and most importantly, satisfying his over active appetite were just a few of the many chores he could accomplish in one night.

That night, the mess hall seemed to have far more traffic than usual. At about two am, the mess hall was usually empty of all those except for a few night shift personnel, and an insomniac or two. On this night, seven or eight late night workers were finishing up a late night snack while Trip and Captain Archer were ensconced in the far corner, heads together conspiratorially.

The two men waved as Phlox entered and glanced over at them. Phlox headed over to where the food was and chose a glass of chocolate milk and a very large piece of key lime pie. He turned to find Archer and Trip gesturing him over to their table.

While waiting for the night shift crew to move, as they had finished their snacks and were clearing their plates and standing up to leave, Phlox pondered Trip and Captain Archer. The Captain hadn't been looking well lately, due probably in no small part to their foray into the Expanse. He seemed thinner somehow. True, he had probably lost of few pounds, but that wasn't quite it. Phlox thought he looked thinner in the sense of being strained and stretched too much to fit the situation at hand. Perhaps the best description he could come up with was the line from that action film they had watched at Movie Night the night before: "Like butter scraped over too much bread."

Trip as well seemed to be worse. He spent almost ridiculous amounts of time in Engineering, going over time and again "his baby", perfecting every last system, function, and relay. Then again, the Captain spent more and more time in his ready room or the situation room and less and less time sleeping. Perhaps he should speak to them, suggest an activity that could give them some form of pleasure or release. Painting, taking a run with Porthos, or cooking with Chef perhaps.

As he finally made his way to the table, Captain Archer waved a hand to the seat next to him. "Take a seat, Phlox." He said congenially. "Help us test out these new mess hall chairs."

"New chairs?" said Phlox interestedly.

"Yup," said Trip happily. "The old mess hall chairs just seemed too hard to Jon and I, so we're trying out some new chairs. We just wanted to get a few opinions of them first, and if people seem to like 'em, then we'll fix all these chairs."

"I'd be happy to help," said Phlox jovially. "Care to join me in some pie or a late night snack?"

"Way ahead a ya," Trip said, gesturing to two empty glasses and two empty pie plates. Phlox nodded encouragingly and sat down next to Captain Archer.

The noise was loud and boisterous. Phlox flushed pink and went to apologize only to be startled by another loud noise. Trip and Captain Archer were laughing hysterically. Trip was howling so hard he was almost crying and Archer was clutching his sides, tears of mirth streaming down his face.

"Boy, we got you good-" Archer choked out before relapsing into another fit of laughter. Phlox looked confused. Well, whatever this was, it couldn't be too bad. The Captain and Trip were certainly getting the pleasurable release that Phlox had been about to suggest. Now that he thought about it, his chair felt fairly uneven. He stood up and looked at his chair seat. A pale grey cushion lay on the seat, now looking suspiciously lumpy.

He poked at the lump and another similar noise presented itself. Archer and Trip convulsed once again into fits of laughter. Phlox himself grinned, now realizing that he had been the victim of a prank. He lifted up the cushion on the chair to reveal a brand new pink whoopee cushion.

**So, whatcha think? Push that funky review button right down there and let me know please!**


	5. A Cheesy Situation

**A Cheesy Situation**

**Yet another installment in "The Toughest Battle" series. This time, it's Porthos! ;) I couldn't resist this one! For permission to reproduce please contact mtownley at eden dot rutgers dot edu I don't own anything, I only use them, abuse them, and then return them mostly as they were. manical laugh Hope you enjoy it! ;)**

There it was. So golden yellow and sweet smelling. And good enough to eat. He thought he must have died and gone to heaven. Porthos had to act.

The whole day, his Daddy and his Daddy's best friend, the one who always smelled like pecan pie and the bayou, along with the tall thin girl with black hair who snuck him bits of cheese when Daddy wasn't around, had been sitting around the mess hall table playing with the strangest thing.

Porthos couldn't figure out what it was. It was somewhat flat and multicolored. It had all sorts of strange bits sticking out of it. A set of stairs, a tiny silver ball in a blue shoot, and other things that Porthos couldn't identify. It was really all rather confusing. No one at the table seemed to be having any problems playing it, and whenever someone shouted happily, the small beagle had figured out that the game was done. Once it was done, they simply reset the board and started again.

It hadn't been exciting. In fact, it was really growing quite tedious. All Porthos wanted was to go for a nice long walk and then settle down for a nap. But apparently, that just wasn't on the agenda for his Daddy's time off. Porthos yawned noncommittally and had been about to go curl up in the corner when he saw it. A piece of cheese. Small, but so delicious looking. And though he wasn't close enough to be able to smell that delicious morsel, he was sure that it must smell as all cheese did: sweet, delicious, and heavenly!

So, the pooch decided to take matters into his own paws. While the group was taking a break to grab some snacks, Porthos made his move and leapt up unto the table. The game board however, was slipperier than he imagined. So, rather than being able to delicately leap up, abscond with the cheese from the board and dash away, Porthos skidded, highly ungracefully, right into his prize.

Not only was the beagle now dazed and embarrassed, he was even more surprised when a small blue trap fell right over his face! At all the commotion, Trip, Archer, and Hoshi had turned around to find Porthos sprawled across their game board, the cheese half underneath him, and the tiny blue trap over his eyes. He looked dolefully over at the three.

Hoshi was the first to burst out laughing, shortly followed by Archer and Trip. "Always knew he liked cheese," said Trip in between guffaws, "but I didn't know he liked it so much that he'd eat the plastic cheese!"

Archer walked over to his poor trapped pooch and lifted the blue cage off his face. Porthos jumped off that table as quickly as possible hid underneath the next table. Archer laughed again and said, "I can't believe it. The mice wouldn't even fall for that bait and it was Porthos who fell for the Mouse Trap!"

**So, didja like it?! Please let me know by pushing that little button down there. LadyRainbow, volley, and Ladyhawke Legend, thanks for reviewing! You guys always make me smile when you review! ;)**


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